Loneliness And Eating

Kerry got home on Friday night and it is soooo good to have her home for a little while. It makes me realize that a lot of my eating issues have to do with her not being here aka loneliness. Thinking back on my life that is a recurring theme. Hmmm. Very interesting.

When I was a kid I would come home from school and my mom would be there waiting for me. She was always so happy to see me. She would have milk and cookies or some fruit waiting for me because she knew I would be hungry. We would sit and talk for hours. We would laugh about things that had happened during the day to me at school and her at home. She adored the ground that I walked on and I loved her more than anyone. I remember those times like it was yesterday.

When I got to be about 9 years old my dad opened up his own business. He needed my mom to help out in the office so she went to work every day and couldn't be there waiting for me when I got home anymore. My grandmother lived upstairs from us in a separate apartment but it wasn't the same as having my mom there with me. I was lonely and I started to eat.

It didn't take very long for me to gain weight and by the time I was in 6th grade I was overweight and taking crap from the other kids. I remember that I would come home and eat until my parents got home from work. Then we would eat dinner and dinner was always a heavy meal of meat and potatoes and when I say meat I don't mean chicken. I'm talking steak, lamb chops, briskit, beef stew, flanken. I think you get the idea. So that meant that I ate for hours while I sat by myself watching TV.

I stayed overweight until I was 40 years old. A few years after having Kerry I found Richard Simmons and with his help I was able to lose my weight. He became my weight loss guru and friend. I don't think I could have done it without his help and attention.

Richard and me last March

Kerry was a kid and there was so much to do. She took piano lessons. She became a girl scout. She started playing soccer. She joined the band. She kept me very busy and was there as the best company anyone could ask for. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours just like I did with my mom. I kept my weight off without even really having to think about it. It was easy.

Kerry left for college in 2005 and I cried for three weeks. She had a boyfriend here so she started coming home every other weekend. I loved that. She also called me 5 times a day so it was almost as if she hadn't really left at all. I kept kept my weight off easily during this time.

Kerry and me at Hoover Dam

She broke up with her boyfriend 2 years later and stopped making those weekend trips home. I found myself sitting in front of the TV eating and my weight started to escalate. My beloved Lhasa Apso Mac also died around this time. This is something I still haven't gotten over.

Mac and me

I found Richard's online clubhouse and was able to get back on track and keep my weight down. I got a lot of support from the webbies and also met some of my very best friends. They are always there for me when I need them but they all live so far away. I wish they lived closer.

Fast forward to now. Kerry is up in Gainesville most of the time. I still hear from her 5 times a day but feel lonely most of the time. I miss having her here, in person to talk to and to be with. I find myself struggling with my weight. Here I am sitting in front of the TV eating again. It's just like it was when I was a kid and my mom went to work. Lonely and eating. I wish I could get over all of this but the struggle continues.

Shopping with the kid

Kerry is home for the rest of the week and since she got home my eating has been great. My eating was great when I went to LA to hang with my fellow fabbies also. I need to get a grip on this. If I don't I'll be just like I was in 6th grade. Overweight and taking crap from people.

The Fabs in LA a month ago

Back To Real Life

Kerry's gone and life sucks again. I was saying to Pat this morning that it's like I have a hangover for a few days after she has been home for a long time and then leaves again. I have weird dreams like last night when I was dreaming about shopping in Neiman Marcus with the kid and getting into a fight with some lady over jeans (this actually almost happened) with Rigby being there. Just strange thoughts and dreams. When I look at them closely I can see that it's all about missing her and wishing we were geographically closer. The story of my life. Wishing I was geographically closer to people that I love.

I am about to get ready to go to the track and power walk. I'm going to try to increase my 3 miles to 4 but I'll see how I am feeling after 3. I have to work tonight and it being the first of the year I'm sure I will be very busy. I'm also sure I will be standing on my feet most of the night so I don't want to overdo. My foot is feeling better and I don't want to ruin that.

When I get back from the track I will have breakfast and then do some laundry. I am also going to work on my nonfood related goal for an hour of so. This will help me keep my head out of the fridge. By that time it will be off to work. I won't get home until after 8:00 tonight. It's a long day. Yep, back to real life.

The True Test

I'm still doing really well even though the scale had gone back up to 146. I'm still feeling that click that I talked about before but the true test is coming. Kerry is going to Gainesville tonight and won't be back until Sunday night. This is the moment of truth.

I am well aware that I am vulnerable to binges when I am alone. I absolutely must have an alternative plan to saying home and eating this weekend. I know that tomorrow I can go see my Brother Jon. It was his birthday the other day so I should probably go to see him to give him a birthday hug.

Me and my Bro

I am also sure that I will be going out to dinner on Saturday night and healthy choices can be made when we hit our usual Saturday night haunt. It's a place called Tijuana Flats. They offer a black bean burrito that I can get "power light" which means they switch out the sour cream and cheese with low fat versions. This item comes in at 288 calories which is great in my mind. It's the chips that are a problem. I will try to take it easy there. Maybe I'll count them out and only eat 10. Yeah...right. :)

Sunday, I don't know yet but I do know that I must make some plans that don't include food. Maybe shopping? Nah...no fun without Kerry. The casino? Oh, I'd love to. Nah....no money. I need a hobby. LOL

current weight-146