Loneliness And Eating

Kerry got home on Friday night and it is soooo good to have her home for a little while. It makes me realize that a lot of my eating issues have to do with her not being here aka loneliness. Thinking back on my life that is a recurring theme. Hmmm. Very interesting.

When I was a kid I would come home from school and my mom would be there waiting for me. She was always so happy to see me. She would have milk and cookies or some fruit waiting for me because she knew I would be hungry. We would sit and talk for hours. We would laugh about things that had happened during the day to me at school and her at home. She adored the ground that I walked on and I loved her more than anyone. I remember those times like it was yesterday.

When I got to be about 9 years old my dad opened up his own business. He needed my mom to help out in the office so she went to work every day and couldn't be there waiting for me when I got home anymore. My grandmother lived upstairs from us in a separate apartment but it wasn't the same as having my mom there with me. I was lonely and I started to eat.

It didn't take very long for me to gain weight and by the time I was in 6th grade I was overweight and taking crap from the other kids. I remember that I would come home and eat until my parents got home from work. Then we would eat dinner and dinner was always a heavy meal of meat and potatoes and when I say meat I don't mean chicken. I'm talking steak, lamb chops, briskit, beef stew, flanken. I think you get the idea. So that meant that I ate for hours while I sat by myself watching TV.

I stayed overweight until I was 40 years old. A few years after having Kerry I found Richard Simmons and with his help I was able to lose my weight. He became my weight loss guru and friend. I don't think I could have done it without his help and attention.

Richard and me last March

Kerry was a kid and there was so much to do. She took piano lessons. She became a girl scout. She started playing soccer. She joined the band. She kept me very busy and was there as the best company anyone could ask for. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours just like I did with my mom. I kept my weight off without even really having to think about it. It was easy.

Kerry left for college in 2005 and I cried for three weeks. She had a boyfriend here so she started coming home every other weekend. I loved that. She also called me 5 times a day so it was almost as if she hadn't really left at all. I kept kept my weight off easily during this time.

Kerry and me at Hoover Dam

She broke up with her boyfriend 2 years later and stopped making those weekend trips home. I found myself sitting in front of the TV eating and my weight started to escalate. My beloved Lhasa Apso Mac also died around this time. This is something I still haven't gotten over.

Mac and me

I found Richard's online clubhouse and was able to get back on track and keep my weight down. I got a lot of support from the webbies and also met some of my very best friends. They are always there for me when I need them but they all live so far away. I wish they lived closer.

Fast forward to now. Kerry is up in Gainesville most of the time. I still hear from her 5 times a day but feel lonely most of the time. I miss having her here, in person to talk to and to be with. I find myself struggling with my weight. Here I am sitting in front of the TV eating again. It's just like it was when I was a kid and my mom went to work. Lonely and eating. I wish I could get over all of this but the struggle continues.

Shopping with the kid

Kerry is home for the rest of the week and since she got home my eating has been great. My eating was great when I went to LA to hang with my fellow fabbies also. I need to get a grip on this. If I don't I'll be just like I was in 6th grade. Overweight and taking crap from people.

The Fabs in LA a month ago

My Yearly Mammogram

I have an appointment at 8:15am for my yearly mammogram. My mom developed breast cancer when she was 75 and it was the beginning of the end for her. She never really came back from the stress of the surgery and two years later I found her dead in her bed. It was a terrible time for me. Mom was my best friend and my rock. She is gone 12 years now but I still think about her and miss her every day of my life.

I make sure that I go for my yearly mammogram because I don't want Kerry to go through what I did with my mom. When it comes to this test I don't procrastinate as I do with many other things. When I get the letter from the Coral Springs Women's Wellness Center that says that I'm due I make my appointment right away. I also don't sweat the results. I just go, get my boobs squished and then put it right out of my mind until the results come in. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't start to worry until I had something to worry about.

So, I'm going to get into the shower (no deodorant or powder) and get dressed. I don't want to keep the medical staff waiting. Maybe I'll call Michele when it is over and meet her for a cup of coffee. Then it's off to Publix to get a few things that I forgot when Pat and I went food shopping on Saturday. When I get home I will get in some exercise and then it's off to work in the afternoon.

So that's my day today. Don't forget to get your yearly mammogram. It can make the difference between life and death.

Early Voting and Happy Birthday Ma

Well, we did it. We waited on line at the North Regional Library in Coral Springs for 2 hours to vote early. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We met some very nice people and the time went really quickly. There was a lot of talk about the wording of the state amendments. It seems that in some cases if you vote yes you are really voting no. We had a real good time with that. One person brought her little 9 week old grey schnauzer puppy to the polls and Kerry was totally taken with the dog. Fawning over the dog took up some time. We were both very happy that we were able to vote and now the deed is done. I've made my choice and that's it. I feel very good about voting early. Of course, after we finished voting we treated ourselves by going to the Town Center Mall. Retail therapy is the best. LOL
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Yesterday was what would have been my mother's 89th birthday. Yep, she was a Halloween baby and she used to complain about it. She told me that her birthday parties always had a Halloween theme to them and that bothered her. She wanted a Happy Birthday theme. That was my Mom though. She was a complainer. It was what she did best. I was the listener. It was what I did best. I am still the listener only the complainer has changed. Now it's Kerry doing the complaining.

Kerry the complainer with Pat

This is how I remember Ma. This pic was taken by my brother Jon in the 70's. Note the ciggie.


Kerry reminds me of my mother in many ways. It's comforting, really. It's as if my Mom is still with me in some way. They are very much alike in their likes and dislikes and I often tell Kerry that she is just like her Nana. I guess having Kerry makes it a little easier to accept that my Mom is gone. She was my biggest champion and fan. She adored the ground that I walked on and I could always count on her. I totally miss the hell out of her.

Me and Ma at my baby shower...a long time ago

Happy Birthday, Ma. Yeah, I know. "Don't call me Ma".

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day which is both a good day and a not so good day for me. It's a good day because I get to spend it with my beautiful, funny, unbelievabley smart, tree hugging daughter. Kerry told time that her and Rigby have something planned but I don't know what it is. I'm sure it will involve shopping. :) Today is a not so good day because it is Mother's Day and I don't get to spend it with my mom. She has been gone for 11 1/2 years now and I still miss her all the time.

I would like to tell all of you about my mom. Her name was Beverly Ruth Erma Greenberg Kramer and she born in Manhatten in the 20's. She had so many names because she was a sickly child and she came close to death many times. My grandmother finally brought in a rabbi to say a prayer for her and he added the Erma to her name. She was able to fight back from those illnesses and that fight and determination became a part of her personality. She was a fighter and if she taught me anything it is to fight and fight hard for what you want.

She loved me more than anything. She always was open and honest with me even when times where hard. She stood up for me and always treated me with love and respect. She was ALWAYS there for me no matter what and believe me, I put her to the test a couple of times. Watching her taught me how to be a great mom to my daughter, Kerry and to top the whole thing off, she was a total babe. She was my loving parent, advocate, mentor, cheerleader, critic, teacher but most of all my very best friend. I miss her every day of my life. Happy Mother's Day, Ma. Yeah, I know, don't call you Ma".

I have posted what I consider to be one of the most interesting Kramer family photos. As you can see it is a picture of my parents on a plane with OJ Simpson. This picture was taken in 1975 when OJ was one of my dad's heros and before he became, well you know, OJ Simpson.