Loneliness And Eating

Kerry got home on Friday night and it is soooo good to have her home for a little while. It makes me realize that a lot of my eating issues have to do with her not being here aka loneliness. Thinking back on my life that is a recurring theme. Hmmm. Very interesting.

When I was a kid I would come home from school and my mom would be there waiting for me. She was always so happy to see me. She would have milk and cookies or some fruit waiting for me because she knew I would be hungry. We would sit and talk for hours. We would laugh about things that had happened during the day to me at school and her at home. She adored the ground that I walked on and I loved her more than anyone. I remember those times like it was yesterday.

When I got to be about 9 years old my dad opened up his own business. He needed my mom to help out in the office so she went to work every day and couldn't be there waiting for me when I got home anymore. My grandmother lived upstairs from us in a separate apartment but it wasn't the same as having my mom there with me. I was lonely and I started to eat.

It didn't take very long for me to gain weight and by the time I was in 6th grade I was overweight and taking crap from the other kids. I remember that I would come home and eat until my parents got home from work. Then we would eat dinner and dinner was always a heavy meal of meat and potatoes and when I say meat I don't mean chicken. I'm talking steak, lamb chops, briskit, beef stew, flanken. I think you get the idea. So that meant that I ate for hours while I sat by myself watching TV.

I stayed overweight until I was 40 years old. A few years after having Kerry I found Richard Simmons and with his help I was able to lose my weight. He became my weight loss guru and friend. I don't think I could have done it without his help and attention.

Richard and me last March

Kerry was a kid and there was so much to do. She took piano lessons. She became a girl scout. She started playing soccer. She joined the band. She kept me very busy and was there as the best company anyone could ask for. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours just like I did with my mom. I kept my weight off without even really having to think about it. It was easy.

Kerry left for college in 2005 and I cried for three weeks. She had a boyfriend here so she started coming home every other weekend. I loved that. She also called me 5 times a day so it was almost as if she hadn't really left at all. I kept kept my weight off easily during this time.

Kerry and me at Hoover Dam

She broke up with her boyfriend 2 years later and stopped making those weekend trips home. I found myself sitting in front of the TV eating and my weight started to escalate. My beloved Lhasa Apso Mac also died around this time. This is something I still haven't gotten over.

Mac and me

I found Richard's online clubhouse and was able to get back on track and keep my weight down. I got a lot of support from the webbies and also met some of my very best friends. They are always there for me when I need them but they all live so far away. I wish they lived closer.

Fast forward to now. Kerry is up in Gainesville most of the time. I still hear from her 5 times a day but feel lonely most of the time. I miss having her here, in person to talk to and to be with. I find myself struggling with my weight. Here I am sitting in front of the TV eating again. It's just like it was when I was a kid and my mom went to work. Lonely and eating. I wish I could get over all of this but the struggle continues.

Shopping with the kid

Kerry is home for the rest of the week and since she got home my eating has been great. My eating was great when I went to LA to hang with my fellow fabbies also. I need to get a grip on this. If I don't I'll be just like I was in 6th grade. Overweight and taking crap from people.

The Fabs in LA a month ago

Kerry's Recital

Kerry's Senior Recital! How is it possible that so much time has gone by? I remember the first time we went to Gainesville to meet the UF clarinet professor, Mitchell Estrin. Kerry was a junior in high school and had been playing clarinet since 7th grade. She had become a complete band geek from the first moment that she entered the musical world. She knew who Professor Estrin was and she also knew she wanted to study under him.

It turned out that Mitchell Estrin was THE person in the clarinet world. He played in the New York Philharmonic under Leonard Berstein as a very young player. He was a child phenom, really. He was taught by another very famous clarinet player named Stanley Drucker. He got married and had a son that he didn't want brought up in New York City so he accepted a professorship at the University of Florida. Kerry got very lucky to study under such a talented clarinet player and all around wonderful and caring man. It made me feel better to know that Professor Estrin was there with Kerry just in case she ran into trouble and needed a parental figure. It made her feel better too.

Now, five years after that meeting it was time for Kerry's college senior clarinet recital. I was so proud of her I almost busted out of my seat. The recital hall was pretty full and Kerry came out in the BCBGMaxazria teal colored dress that we had bought a long time ago just for this occasion. She had straightened her hair and she just looked gorgeous.

She played beautifully for an hour with only a couple of breaks. Speaking of breaks, I had my camera out to take pictures of the occasion and it jammed(piece of crap). I only got a few pictures taken on my camera. I am waiting for Kerry to email me the pictures that I took on her camera. I will post them as soon as I get them.

The only picture of the recital that I got on my camera

When it was all over Pat and I took Kerry and Zac to a restaurant that had fabulous vegetarian food . I ate way too much rich and gooey food. Richard would be horrified. (See more about this on F*ing Agreement blog) I know I was. The four of us laughed during dinner and then went back to our room and took pictures with Kerry's camera. It was a very proud and happy moment but also a bittersweet moment too. Kerry's clarinet career is now over and it just seems like life is happening a little to fast for my liking. First soccer, now clarinet. Gone with the time.

Pat and I woke up early and took Kerry out for breakfast of eggs and hash browns, her favorite. When breakfast was over we said our goodbyes and then we hit the road. We got back home at about 6:00 whipped but happy to be home. Rigby was glad to see us too. He ran around like a maniac. I guess he missed us.

Now it really is back to my old life......or maybe something new. Hmmmmm....

Yes Laura, We Won

Yes Laura, The Gators won. The first half was especially ugly with Timmy Tebow throwing two, count them, two interceptions. That's as many as he had thrown all season. He did pick it up in the second half and our defense played great the whole game. They stopped the Sooners at first and goal twice with The Gators taking over on downs. Tim Tebow was named Most Valuable Player and Gainesville went crazy. Both of these events were expected. Kerry tells me that University Drive was filled with thousands of kid both celebrating and drunk. Life is good in the Gator Nation. See below.





On another note, I am feeling like crap. I've got a full blown head cold and I'm spending the day in bed. I was feeling alright until the end of my shift at Curves last night. I started stuffing up and not being able to hear that well. Lisa asked me to work tonight but being sick I said no. I hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I hate to waste a three day weekend in bed.

I'm going to crawl into bed now. See ya. GO GATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Up to Gainesville to see the kid

I am here in Gainesville waiting to see Kerry. Her junior clarinet recital is tomorrow evening at the University of Florida and we are here to see her performance. She is very nervous but that is to be expected. She will be performing 4 pieces that will take one hour to perform. Three of the pieces will be played with a piano accompanist. One of the pieces will be played alone. Just Kerry!! I am very excited. It has been a few years since I have seen one of Kerry's concerts. Before she went to Gainesville I went to ALL of them so it will be great to see how much she has improved. I haven't even laid eyes on her in over a month so when I finally see her I will be a very happy mom.

I will take some pictures and I will post them here.

Stay tuned......

She's Leaving Home, Bye, Bye

Kerry left this morning to go back to Gainesville and I am bummed. The longer her visit is the more bummed I am when she leaves. Seeing that she was here for almost a month I am very bummed. The trick will be to stay away from the refrigerator now that she is gone. This is always one of my most difficult tasks and it just got even more trying.

The caller ID said "Kerry" when the phone rang. I knew something was wrong from the first word. "Mom'"? "Yeah". "I have a flat tire". These are the words that I dread when she is on the one of these road trips. My mind goes wild. I can't help it. I imagine the most awful things that could happen to her. Thankfully she not alone. She is with her friend Jackie which makes me feel 100% better.

While she was on the phone talking to me a state trooper came along. Yes!!!! He called the Florida Turnpike emergency truck and they are on their way to change the tire for her. Now my mind says what if she has no air in the spare? How will she make it to Gainesville on a donut tire? What if? What if? What if? OK Claudia, stop all that! You are driving yourself crazy. Worry about it when it happens, whatever it is that is going to happen.

This is a facet of my personality that I wish I could change. I am in constant worry mode when either Kerry or Pat are away from me which is most of the time. I drive them both crazy. I know I do but I can't help it. I always think the worst when things are not exactly the way they should be where either one of them is concerned. God help me if they don't answer their phones when I call. I have to talk myself down from the walls. I have to keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. It's going to be fine. Maybe I should go to a shrink. Nah. As Popeye says, I am what I am. I'll just sit and worry until everything is alright. Maybe all this worrying will keep my head out of the fridge. Maybe.