Bathing Suit Shopping....Kill Me Now!!

Now that I have the new gym membership which includes a membership to three of our local pools I realized that I only had one bathing suit. I saw that Macy's was having a killer sale so I decided to go shopping and maybe add another one to my collection of one. NOT!!!! It was a horrible experience. So many different emotions surfaced during this shopping trip and none of them were good.

To begin with I have definitely gained weight. There is no denying it anymore. It's funny how even though the scale keeps going up you can really make yourself believe that it's not. I went into the store thinking that this was not going to be that bad. I was wrong. I've gained weight and there it was staring me in the face in the form of large flabby thighs, hanging skin and a big belly. Every suit I tried on looked terrible. Each one worse than the other. After about 10 of them I decided to screw getting a new suit. The people at the pool will just have to get used to the one that I have which I actually like. I guess I should have bought two when I found it.

After trying on the suits and feeling like crap I noticed the Auntie Anne's pretzel stand. I really wanted a cinnamon sugar pretzel. I mean I really wanted one but I walked by thinking to myself that eating a pretzel would not help in any way other than to make things worse.....but I really wanted one. Then I saw the cupcake stand. Anyone who knows me knows I love cake and cupcakes. They are a weakness of mine. I started walking towards it like a zombie. No thought, no mindfulness, no consequences. I mean after all, I was feeling like crap. I was fat again and one cupcake was not going to make or break the problem and it would make me feel good. As I got closer I reached in my pocket and grabbed my phone. I called my good friend Laura who always knows what to say to me whatever I may be going through. In thinking back on it I guess it was my subconcious that called Laura because all of sudden I found myself talking to her. I don't have any memory of pushing the buttons to call her. I don't even remember the thought process that I must have gone through before I called her. I just know that I did and as always she talked me down from the wall. I left the mall talking to her and not eating a cupcake.

I still feel terrible about the whole thing. I got on the scale this morning and there it was. 156. The scale keeps going up, up, up. I know why though. My eating has been terrible lately and my plantar fasciitis has stopped me from doing any hard exercise. I must say I am feeling really bad about myself. I am up in weight and out of shape. I look like crap in a bathing suit and I'm not doing anything much about it. I have no job and no prospects. Kerry is talking about going even further away than she is right now. I'm really feeling down. I find in writing this down that the fact that Kerry is talking about New Jersey, Michigan and Canada is really, really bothering me. It's the worst of all. I'm sorry, Peewee but it's the truth. I know that you have to go where it's best for your schooling and your career but......the tears are falling as I am writing. I can't help it.

I am going to drag myself into the living room and put on one of Richard's videos. Maybe that will make me feel better. It certainly won't hurt the gaining weight problem. It can only help but my heel pain limits me in what I can do. I don't want to go to the gym today. I just don't feel like it but I know that if I don't go and I don't do any exercise I'll be sorry later just like I was in the dressing room yesterday.