Now that I have the new gym membership which includes a membership to three of our local pools I realized that I only had one bathing suit. I saw that Macy's was having a killer sale so I decided to go shopping and maybe add another one to my collection of one. NOT!!!! It was a horrible experience. So many different emotions surfaced during this shopping trip and none of them were good.
To begin with I have definitely gained weight. There is no denying it anymore. It's funny how even though the scale keeps going up you can really make yourself believe that it's not. I went into the store thinking that this was not going to be that bad. I was wrong. I've gained weight and there it was staring me in the face in the form of large flabby thighs, hanging skin and a big belly. Every suit I tried on looked terrible. Each one worse than the other. After about 10 of them I decided to screw getting a new suit. The people at the pool will just have to get used to the one that I have which I actually like. I guess I should have bought two when I found it.
After trying on the suits and feeling like crap I noticed the Auntie Anne's pretzel stand. I really wanted a cinnamon sugar pretzel. I mean I really wanted one but I walked by thinking to myself that eating a pretzel would not help in any way other than to make things worse.....but I really wanted one. Then I saw the cupcake stand. Anyone who knows me knows I love cake and cupcakes. They are a weakness of mine. I started walking towards it like a zombie. No thought, no mindfulness, no consequences. I mean after all, I was feeling like crap. I was fat again and one cupcake was not going to make or break the problem and it would make me feel good. As I got closer I reached in my pocket and grabbed my phone. I called my good friend Laura who always knows what to say to me whatever I may be going through. In thinking back on it I guess it was my subconcious that called Laura because all of sudden I found myself talking to her. I don't have any memory of pushing the buttons to call her. I don't even remember the thought process that I must have gone through before I called her. I just know that I did and as always she talked me down from the wall. I left the mall talking to her and not eating a cupcake.
I still feel terrible about the whole thing. I got on the scale this morning and there it was. 156. The scale keeps going up, up, up. I know why though. My eating has been terrible lately and my plantar fasciitis has stopped me from doing any hard exercise. I must say I am feeling really bad about myself. I am up in weight and out of shape. I look like crap in a bathing suit and I'm not doing anything much about it. I have no job and no prospects. Kerry is talking about going even further away than she is right now. I'm really feeling down. I find in writing this down that the fact that Kerry is talking about New Jersey, Michigan and Canada is really, really bothering me. It's the worst of all. I'm sorry, Peewee but it's the truth. I know that you have to go where it's best for your schooling and your career but......the tears are falling as I am writing. I can't help it.
I am going to drag myself into the living room and put on one of Richard's videos. Maybe that will make me feel better. It certainly won't hurt the gaining weight problem. It can only help but my heel pain limits me in what I can do. I don't want to go to the gym today. I just don't feel like it but I know that if I don't go and I don't do any exercise I'll be sorry later just like I was in the dressing room yesterday.
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(((((Claudia)))))
Don't forget what we talked about yesterday. Everybody feels awful after shopping for bathing suits. What you are experiencing in that regard is normal. NORMAL. Do you hear me? NORMAL!
What is not normal is you having to deal with issues of body for the very first time. This is something that I have quite a bit of experience with. IT's easy to be depressed about it. You know that for sure... how many phone calls have you taken from me where I was so down that I was almost suicidal?
The trick is to feel your down periods - you're entitled to them - and then move on. Where your foot is, it is what it is. It's something that you are probably going to have to deal with like forever. Just like me and my health issues.
So now I want you to do what I do. You know that the meds I take destroy appearances and make the suffers put weight on. Absolutely true. But. BUT. When I go into my doctor's offices, most of the people in the waiting rooms look absolutely awful. BUT. I repeat myself. BUT. There is sometimes one or two people who,despite adversity, have managed to maintain appearances. Who have kept their weight within normal bounds and pay attention to themselves as far as clothing and make-up. Not many, but some. And I think to myself, why shouldn't I be one of those people? Why not me? And then I struggle to make it happen.
You need to do the same. Your situation sucks. No question about it. Empty nest. Planter Fuck-it. What's happening to you in weight is normal. A completely normal response. BUT. There are women out there who spend time feeling sorry for themselves (they have a right to) and then get back to business. Take care of themselves. Learn to deal with the changes in their lives and make it just another transition or another lifestyle change. Why shouldn't one of them be you? Why not? Why not YOU?
I love you, I adore you. I know that you're going to find your way. And girlfriend, pick up that phone any time you need me. I'll always be here for you.
Love,
Laura
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